If you’re preparing to watch your loved one head off to university this autumn, congratulations!
It’s a time for celebration, but it’s absolutely normal to feel anxious about this big adjustment for you and your young person.
Marianne Tay is a Principal Lecturer at the University of Worcester’s School of Health and Wellbeing, and she is the Course Lead for Mental Health and Wellbeing Practitioner Training.
She has advice and guidance for parents worried they might struggle with empty nest syndrome as their young person goes off to uni.
"You can spend years complaining about how they don’t do the washing up, they don’t pick up after themselves and they’re too noisy at night.
So, when they go to university there’s a feeling that life gets cheaper, and there’s no mess anymore; but there’s a deeper side to this where there’s a genuine sense of loss for parents, which is rarely acknowledged.
This is an exciting time, as your young person breaks free, but once they go off to university and the excitement continues for them; for you it just stops and that can leave you feeling like you’ve lost something.
Even if you have other children at home, it’s a time when you don’t have that particular person in your life in the same way, so here are my five tips for helping your child or young person through a time of life which is transitional for both of you.
1. Be supportive, but don’t take over.
You want to support, but you don’t want to take over, and knowing where the line between these two sits is so hard.
Always give them the opportunity to take the lead, and then you can come in as support, Your job as a parent is to not be the leader, but to be the secondary.
For example, when you arrive on campus and you need to figure out where you’re going, where to park, where to get the keys, let them do the talking. If you notice they’re struggling, you can offer that back-up and fill in any gaps.
2. Maintain contact without hassling.
You want to call to chat and catch up, but they might be getting ready to go out, or in the middle of a social event where they’re making friends, and it’s not an ideal time.
My best advice is to try and get a regular contact time going. Try booking in a Sunday evening catch up so it doesn’t feel like an imposition. Once you’ve established that, if you feel like they’re struggling you can suggest a Wednesday call as well, and if you feel like it’s a bit much, you can make it fortnightly.
Just make sure it’s regular.
3. The teary phone call home
However much they’re enjoying it, there’s a chance you’ll have a phone call with a few tears.
Firstly, see it as a positive.
They miss you because you’ve got a strong connection which you’ve created. It’s a safe, loving, and comfortable environment that they’re missing, so there’s a positive to be taken from that.
Next, you need to find the middle ground. We don’t want to say ‘Right, come home’, because that can teach them that they can’t cope without you. There’s also a risk that if they do come home, they might not want to go back, and they can feel like they’ve failed.
It’s important to teach them that homesickness is normal.
4. You might not be the only one missing them
When my older sister went to university, I remember feeling suddenly outnumbered by my parents.
There’s a real dynamic shift when someone leaves, and it’s important to acknowledge that with your other children. Tell them you know it might be tough for them and ask if there’s anything you can do to make it easier.
You might find that siblings want to spend more time out of the house with their friends when their older brother or sister goes to university. This is entirely normal, as they’re probably filling a void. If you can, give them a bit more leeway with their friends and how much freedom they have.
They’re dealing with an adjustment too, so don’t assume they’re fine.
5. If you’re worried.
Up until now, schools might contact you to discuss things to do with your child, but universities don’t do this except in very exceptional circumstances.
Remember, just because you feel anxious, it doesn’t mean that anxiety is true. That sense of dread is a terrible trick of our brains.
Ask yourself; are my worries based on evidence? Are they really suffering? Or am I just not used to not being able to ask how their day was?
Trust them.
Watching the young person you’ve nurtured and mentored move onto the next stage of their lives can be a confusing time of life, with many mixed emotions.
Letting go is never easy but watching them learn as they grow is one of the most rewarding parts of parenting."
For further support as a parent or carer of a student studying at the University of Worcester, you can read our Guide for Parents.